Why My Dog Is A Princess

Jon Raymond

My dog is a princess.  Yes that’s right, a princess.  Technically, it is not even my dog, it’s my girlfriend’s dog, but we have been together for 3 years and in my mind I am now the dog’s father.  There are three kind of pet owners: The ‘I don’t really want this thing’ owner, the ‘yeah, it’s pretty cool’ owner, and the ‘I am obsessed, and it’s probably not healthy’ owner.  I am the latter.   I will give you a few reasons why, and maybe you’ll end up realizing you have an unhealthy relationship with your pet, too!  Before I begin, I would like to stress the fact that I know I am crazy.

The Little Princess – By Sarah Thomas

To start things off, she has me wrapped around her thumb.  The worst part?  She knows it.  Sometimes, when she is bored of sleeping on the $3000 bed that she has taken custody of, she will do a little princess trot over to where I’m sitting and give me this look.  The look says: figure out what I want.  Maybe she needs to go the bathroom.  It could be she’s hungry.  The thing is I know when she’s done these things last, so the stare is usually “I want to play, so drop what you’re doing”.   I abide.

Unfortunately, I am a smoker.  My girlfriend isn’t, plus we rent, so when I need that nicotine fix I walk my ass outside to smoke.   In Michigan, the winter is terribly cold, so when I come back in from a smoke, I cherish the fact that I got at least an hour before I have to brave the arctic chill again.  Let me give you a scenario: I need to smoke, so as I bundle up I ask the dog if she has to go ‘potty’, she “says” no.  The dog knows what the word ‘potty’ means, and if I ask her and she has to go, she wags her tail and gives me this little ‘yeah, I do’ bow.   Outside, my knuckles have lost the color of blood from the freezing wind, so I flick my half-finished smoke and rush inside to the sweet salvation of free heat (utilities included, so the apartment is a cozy 74 degrees at all times).  As I pop off my shoes, take off my three layers of coats, the princess comes up and bows.  Despair rushes through me.  “Do you have to go potty?”  *Tail wag.  Bow.* “Dammit!”

In my time I spend away from the princess in the castle (apartment), I am a cook.  I would be a chef, but I quit school about 85% of the way through.  I’ve served probably close to a 50,000 meals in my life, but none is as rewarding as when I get to serve royalty.   As I said before, I get a little tail wag when I ask her if she has got to go potty.  Let’s just say there is a new global wind pattern created every time the question “are you hungry?” is asked.  You might say that this is normal, but here is where it’s not: I am somehow more excited than the dog.  It is as if I am a starving homeless man, and I am the one finally being fed.

Along with being a cook and a freelance writer, I could also add ‘Jester’ to my resume.  When I am playing with the princess, or she is just exuberating pure beauty, I get this crazy sensation throughout my body.  The symptoms are that I grind my teeth like a meth head, I talk in a ‘baby voice’, and I sometimes bust out in nonsensical song.  I’ve tried to re-create this to a few people, but it is impossible to do without the cute little puppy there to fuel the flames.  My favorite strategy is to take a popular melody and replace every word or musical note with the word “puppy”.  Yes, I know, I’m a nut job, but at least I’m honest and not ashamed about it.

Like all princesses, her comfort is top priority of her minions.  A princess lives a life of luxury and being pampered, and my princess is no different.   A few weeks ago, I really wanted to see a movie (‘The Hobbit’ to be specific).  Me and my girlfriend were Christmas shopping and we had already been gone for a few hours.  On our way to dinner, we realize that it will be a 2.5 hour movie and that meant the dog would not have been outside for a total of like 7 hours.   Not wanting to come home to a pile of dog shit, we scrapped the movie plans and headed home after dinner.  I still haven’t seen “The Desolation of Smaug”.

The few reasons why I believe my dog to be a princess could also have been titled “Ways You Could Mistake Me For Not Being Mentally Stable”.  The good point is, I am not alone.    When I’m walking the dog, random people on the street cannot help but to stop and compliment the princess on her beauty.   Little girls stop and try to get one little pet so they can tell their friends they met a princess in real life.   As I type, the princess is probably sleeping in what we call ‘The Puppy Kingdom’, which is the mound of pillows at the top of the bed.  While I know it sounds crazy, I’d rather be too in love with my dog than one of those dicks who doesn’t feed them or pay attention to them for weeks.  If you don’t own a pet or aren’t madly obsessed with them, I hope you got a laugh from this.  If you are like me, and see that your pet could be part of the royal family, I have one thing to say to you: real recognize real.

Rap Lyrics: Worst of the Bad

By Jon Raymond

“I wonder if these wack n***** realize they wack” – Common

I ask myself this every time I hear a terrible rap lyric.  As a hip hop head, I often get frustrated at the terrible rap lines that show up.  This article was hard for me to produce because I love hip hop and I am not a fan of most of these rappers.   This took some research…painful, disappointing research.  Rap fans who like deeper meaning and study the craft often call the music they like “real rap”, which is weird because if it exists, it cannot be “fake rap”.   Unfortunately, you will see that not even the greats are exempt from a bad rap lyric.   Before we proceed, I would like to note that I forced myself not to fill this list with Lil Wayne lyrics, although he does appear a couple times.  Without further ado, let’s delve into some of the worst rap lyrics of all time.

“I’m a star, look in the sky, you need a microscope” – Fredrick (from Da Band)

Remember ‘Da Band’?  They were Puff’s group that was the result of a MTV show.  Go get me a cheesecake.  Despite their lack of success, they did leave on a tiny legacy of bad rap lyrics.  Fredrick, it would be a telescope that we use to look in the sky.  A microscope is used to magnify tiny things.

Worst Rap Lyrics – Pictured Above: Lil Wayne (Picture By Ryan Dumbal)

“We in the building, you in apartments” – Lil Wayne

As stated above, I am doing my best to refrain from bashing Lil Wayne in this article.  It took a lot of energy, as you can see from a lyric like this.  An apartment is still a building, unless it is some sort of homeless cardboard complex.  And the ‘F’ is for ‘fucking’ retarded.

“Quack quack to a duck and a chicken too/ Put the hyena in a freakin’ zoo” – Nicki Minaj

Wait… what?!  I am so lost that I cannot even write a detailed description for this, but I can assume this was partly the inspiration for her single “Beez in the Trap”.

“Now the stakes (steaks) are high, like the top shelf in a meat market” – Papoose

Papoose has a pretty good following in the underground community.  He has a battle-rap style that is heavy with wordplay and punchlines, both of which are set on display here.  For the most part, Papoose is dope.  The problem is, this is just corny.  What kind of meat market has a towering shelf of T-bones?  “Gary, grab the ladder.  This lady wants some ground beef, and it’s on the top shelf.”

“Pussy got me dead, better call 2pac over” – Kanye West

Kanye has been getting a terrible image in the public lately.  Between Kim Kardashian and the cocky interviews, people are realizing Kanye can be a huge tool.  I am somewhat a fan of ‘Ye.  I didn’t like ‘Yeezus’ or ‘808s and Heartbreak’, but I am a fan of every other one of his albums.  His production is some of the best in hip hop, and his lyrics are usually not terrible.  This, however, is just bad.  This and 2chainz’ “2pac w/o the nose ring” lyric are in an epic battle between the worst 2pac references.

“Clap dat ass, just like the clapper” – Juicy J

Juicy, juicy, juicy.  From Three 6 Mafia fame to an Oscar, Juicy J has enjoyed some success.  His lyrics have never been deep, and this is just another reference point to that fact.   Usually a punchline in rap is like a simile (although rappers call them metaphors), but Juicy uses the word to describe the word.  This line is wack like a wack line.

“You look so good, I’d suck on your daddy’s dick” – Notorious B.I.G.

This one truly hurts me to show.  I love Biggie.  He is one of the best rappers of all time.  He really is a legend of hip hop, but being one of the greatest does not make you exempt from being grouped in the most horrendous rap lyrics of all time.  This just grosses me out.  I can’t comment any further.

“I lay back, and blow sacks (sax) like Kenny G” – Jus Allah

Carrying on the dick references from the Biggie line, we arrive to Jus Allah’s lyric off of the song “Heavenly Devine”.  Jus has been an in-then-out-then-in member of the hardcore/horror-core rap group ‘Jedi Mind Tricks’.  To not be guilty of taking something out of context, the previous line ended with ‘my clothes got the scent of trees’.  Unfortunately, this does not stop me from picturing Jus Allah from doing some homosexual stuff.  Not that I’m against gays, because I’m not, but sometimes you got to watch how your lyrics can be taken.

“My dick so hard it make the metal detector go off” – 2 Chainz

 

Okay, let me get this out there: I do not like 2 Chainz.  Not in the slightest bit.  I think he is a terrible rapper.  Lines like these help me justify my dislike for Mr. Chainz.  Does he have metal implants in his dick?  Is this deep and just going over my head?  I doubt it.

“Beat that pussy up like Emmett Till” – Lil Wayne

Let’s finish with a rap lyric that bothers me so much, it makes me angry.   If you don’t know who Emmett Till was, he was an African-American boy who was brutally murdered at the age of 14 in Mississippi back in 1955.  I understand Wayne is saying he beats the pussy up like Emmett Till got beat up, but this is wrong on so many levels.  Firstly, he has made it sound like Emmett Till was a pussy, which if you know his story you’ll know this to not be true.  Secondly, as a black rapper, you should probably be a little more conscious of what Emmett Till embodied as a symbol for racial brutality.  Lastly, the line is straight wack.  And the ‘F’ is for I can’t stand your ‘fucking’ music.

So, there it was; ten of the worst rap lyrics of all-time.  If I had the heart to do so, I could probably compile this list to reach in the numbers of triple digits.  Not all the rappers mentioned above are bad, and not all bad rappers are completely terrible.  While I still love rap and defend it against a person who hate it, lists such as this one make me sympathize with the viewpoints of people who cannot stand the genre.  Lines like the ones mentioned combined with radio singles makes for a terrible image that has left hip hop permanently scarred.

Check out these other articles by Jon Raymond

How Game Of Thrones Is Like Working In A Restaurant

Is ‘Cum For Bigfoot’ The Next ‘Twilight’?

I want like…all of these.

Sweetest…bookshelfs…ever.  Courtesy of 9gag.com.  If you’ve never been to 9gag, you need to.

Is “Cum For Bigfoot” The Next “Twilight”?

“Twilight”.  We all have heard of it.  Almost every girl on planet Earth has seen it or read it.  Being a man, I have forced myself to stay away.  Far away.  It wasn’t hard.  “Twilight” is a romantic book/movie series about vampires and shit.  Notice, I’m not an expert on the story line.  Lately, there has been a huge burst of romance/erotica in mainstream book sales with the release of books like “50 Shades of Grey”.   The “Twilight” series sold more than 85 million copies.  “50 Shades of Grey” has sold over 75 million copies.  Now, before you get all worked up, I know “Twilight” is not a dirty smut-fest like “50 Shades of Grey”, but as a male reader, it is all kind of the same.  So, what is next for the romance/erotica book genre?  “Cum For Bigfoot”.

“Cum For Bigfoot” is a erotica novel series by Virginia Wade that contains very explicit content about a group of teens who get banged by Bigfoot.   No, you did not read that wrong.  Looking up information about the books on the website ‘goodreads.com’, I noticed this little gem: “This story contains oral sex, fingering, forced consent, penetration with a large object, and ménage à trois. All characters are eighteen and above. Adult 18+”.  Does this not just make you just want to grab a coffee and a snuggie, call off work, and rifle through the sticky pages of Virginia Wade’s new book series?

According to research, Amazon’s Kindle store brings Wade $30,000 a month alone, not to mention other e-book retailers who carry her self-published book series.  As an aspiring author, I realize the self-publish world of e-books is easier than ever.  It is no longer the days of needing a major publishing contract to get your story out there.  As creepy as this shit is, as a writer, it is kind of inspirational.  Ladies, go pick it up.  Grab a fresh copy, too, as you might recall the study scientists did on library copies of “50 Shades of Grey” and how they found traces of herpes on every copy of the book they tested.   Also, keep an eye out for my new erotic novel: “Blowing A Dragon”.

How ‘Game of Thrones’ Is Like Working In A Restaurant

Courtesy Creative Commons

First off, if you haven’t seen ‘Game of Thrones’, stop reading. Not only do you need to know the show to understand this article, you need to watch the show to complete your life’s fullest potential. You may be asking, “Why do you make this show sound like the best show ever?” To that, I say, “Don’t you fucking question me.” Seriously, this show is amazing, for a billion and two reasons. Yes, it is fantasy, but it is the fantasy series for people who don’t like fantasy. It is based off of a series of books by George R. R. Martin called “A Song of Ice and Fire”. Like every great book-to-screen adaption, it respects it’s source-content and tries hard, with great success, to stick to the original.

I believe that is enough of an introduction to greatness, so let’s get down to why we are here: working in a restaurant is like living in ‘Game of Thrones’. To those of us who have worked in a restaurant, there are (some) good and (a lot of) bad things about it, but that is enough content for a novel, not a blog article. From front-of-the-house to the back, we will match up details of ‘GoT’ to the hell we all know as restaurant life.

The Bitch Waitress – Queen Cersei Lannister : We all know one. She is the biggest bitch in the restaurant. Sometimes she is nice to your face, but the second you turn around she is plotting to get you axed. Spreading rumors and fueling gossip seems to be in this bitch’s job description. Lastly, if she is hot, she is probably banging everybody. Including her brother.

The Long-Term Server – Catelyn Stark : You feel bad for this one. They have been around for so long, they are worn down and tired. She probably once was pretty, but years of long days and cold weather has punished their looks. They’re jaded. They have been shit on so much, they have turned cold and black on the inside. They have realized the lesson that working in a restaurant for too long will teach you: Life Sucks.

The Bartender – Daenerys Targaryen : First off, she (or he) is probably very attractive. People like to impress an attractive person by spending money and giving gifts, so if you put an attractive person behind the bar they will throw money away to show off. People flock to the bartender like she is their mother. In the show, it is exiles. In the restaurant, it’s drunks. Because of her position she knows about everything, and a lot of people are secretly rooting for her to actually run shit.

The Owner – Robert Baratheon : You might like him for his honesty.  You might hate him for his abuse of power. He might just grab your ass when you walk by. His bitch wife is probably secretly running the place. He has people who manage everything for him, so when he is around, he’s most likely just drunk. You can probably expect him to kill himself being drunk and hunting (or driving).

The Owner’s Relative – Robert Arryn : Your probably asking, “Who is Robert Arryn?” It’s that sickly young boy who is too old to be sucking on his mother’s tit. He doesn’t deserve his position, probably partly retarded, and he is protected and shielded like he is the last source of water on Earth.

The Entitled Manager – Joffrey Baratheon : You hate him. I hate him. We all just fucking hate this guy. He thinks his power makes him the King of the Entire Universe, when in reality, he is probably there because of daddy (see Robert Baratheon). He might cut off your tongue, or call you in on your requested day off. You live every second of every day waiting for him to die, or get fired.

The Manager Who’s Always There – Tywin Lannister : Whether he is being a huge dick or not, you respect him. He knows what he is doing. He is the mastermind of the evil organization known as management. He lets Joffrey think he is in charge, but we all know who’s running the place.

The Head Chef – Tyrion Lannister : This guy is smart. He knows his shit. Very knowledgeable about, well… everything. This guy never has to do the dirty work. He has minions that work under him and do his bidding. He is probably banging a prostitute when no one is around, too. Oh, and did I mention he has a dirty ass sense of humor?

The Over-Serious Cook – Stannis Baratheon : This guy takes his terrible job way too serious. I mean, 9$/hr, are you kidding me, man? Duty, duty, duty. One long, terrible life of false honor.

The Line Cooks – The Night’s Watch : These guys are the front line to hell. They are probably a bunch of convicted felons, thieves, rapists, and drug addicts. They are around all men most of the day. When they see a girl, it’s as if she was the only one in history. They are dirty men with dirty jokes. You might be disgusted by them, but the world would suck without ’em.

The Dishwasher – Walder Frey : Walder Frey is that old creepy dude in the show whose idea it was for ‘The Red Wedding’. He is too old to be doing what he does. He is very pedophile-ish. He always hits on the young pretty girls, while looking as if he can only get it up for little kids. I know, that is terrible. He is probably losing his hair. His cough sounds like he smokes four packs a day (and maybe he does).

The New Guy – Bran Stark : The poor new guy. You feel bad for him. He is a lost child in a cruel world. He could have some super magic ability, or he could just be a helpless cripple who needs someone to follow him and carry him around for the rest of his life. Still undecided.

Well, we could probably go on forever turning Westeros to Restauros, but sometimes you got to know when to call it quits. Like the restaurant business never will, I truly hope that ‘Game of Thrones’ doesn’t go away. Such a great show deserves a long life and plenty of revenue. If you love the show, but haven’t read the books, you probably should get on that. The books are a series called ‘A Song of Ice and Fire’, and as of this article, books 1-5 are released. To finish, I will end with one more comparison. The rush of a restaurant is like ‘The Battle of Blackwater Bay’: plenty of people won’t make it, some people will be crying during it, and whole lot of shit will get burned.